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POETRY "I Spy" by ~yannay:iconyannay:

Categories Contests > 2008 > I Spy > Literature Submissions


I spy

“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with C.”
“Champagne.”
“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R.”
“Roses.”
“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with D.”
“Diamonds.”
“You’re good at this.”
I am.

Your thoughts tick loud.
Your face of flattering smiles
Matches a sly voice of lies.
This is a game that runs through my veins
And my little eye is sharp.

Don’t bother.
Taking me out,
Giving guilelessly,
Chameleon changing under a hawk’s eye,
Hiding under the innocence of a child’s game.

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with T.
“Take me back I promise I’ll never-“
Treachery. Trickery. Tempt me with trinket treasures.
“Just be honest. Please.”
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Submitted: January 17, 2008
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Author's Comments

well! So I finally realised you can upload lit. here on DA. ^___^ Yes I am a writer too.

"I spy" is the theme for this awesome lit. contest: [link] Here is my poetry entry. I just took the words and came up with whatever filled my head at the time. It's been a long time since I've written poetry actually -gulp-

I hope this makes some sense. xp Critique would be wonderful.

And oh two of the prizes that I would like: one yr sub. and a feature/critique. xD
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Comments


=llifi-kei:iconllifi-kei: Jan 17, 2008, 8:19:27 AM
Heeey... that really is quite good. xD Using a game which evokes connotations of childish innocence as a foil for the more sinister nature of the poem... Good use of repetition... especially repetition of the "I spy..." phrase structure at the end, which brings everything neatly together...
Short, sharp sentences for emphasis.
Alliteration adding impact, especially at the end.
The sharp contrast between the "face of flattering smiles" and "sly voice of lies" further enhances the sinister mood...
Internal half-rhyme inherent in the poet's description of the "game that runs through my veins" emphasises the fact that she is not as gullible as her boyfriend may believe her to be.
The theme of trickery in relationships is very relevant to the current context in society, thus enabling the audience to connect and emphathise with the poet.

Er... sorry about that, but you said advanced critique was encouraged and I had just been writing a long journal entry in formal English on Facebook, so I was in an analysing right frame of mind... xDDD

Besides which, I'm not sure how you critique a poem, anyway.
I just offer you all of my English Studies-style insights... and since there seem to be so many different techniques in your poem, my conclusion for this 'essay' shall be... "Yan is a good poet."
(Although of course, you should never put personal opinions into your essays... xDDD)

(P.S. Sorry, my brain is really not in a normal frame of mind at 1:30am in the morning. ^_~)
~dark-angelvegeta:icondark-angelvegeta: Jan 17, 2008, 9:03:56 AM
awesome! very cool! i like it! ^^

--
BEHOLD!!!!! the KIRBY DANCE!!!!
<(^^< ) <(^ ^)> <(^ ^)^ ^(^ ^)^ ^(^ ^)> <(^ ^)> (>^^)>
~yannay:iconyannay: Jan 17, 2008, 3:58:24 PM
aww thank you! For the fav too. xD

--
yannay is really drowning @ uni and will not be around DA much T______________T who said uni was much more relaxing than school~!?
~yannay:iconyannay: Jan 17, 2008, 4:03:13 PM
You've got to be kidding me!!! -dies-
okay so I was reading this and all the formality made me giggle...and esp. the context bit at the end LOL ah english glad I never have to write an essay ever again! Seriously some of the things you mentioned I didn't even notice myself.
OOh btw, I saw your story in the paper!! hehe weird photo they took of you sorry xp. BUT you won the medal thing! OMGosg congrad. YAY xD Makes up for Jap eh?

WHAT are you doing at 1 in the morning? Stop procrastinating and go to sleep.

-sigh- I don't think I will be able to go interstate. :(
Am I the only one who is unhappy I got an ad. offer?

--
yannay is really drowning @ uni and will not be around DA much T______________T who said uni was much more relaxing than school~!?
~meeowx:iconmeeowx: Jan 17, 2008, 5:08:04 PM
this has got to be the first piece of text i ever seriously read on dA...!!! the rest on dA is so lengthy and not appealing to me

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WHAT?! =D
~dark-angelvegeta:icondark-angelvegeta: Jan 17, 2008, 5:37:51 PM
you're very welcome :D

--
BEHOLD!!!!! the KIRBY DANCE!!!!
<(^^< ) <(^ ^)> <(^ ^)^ ^(^ ^)^ ^(^ ^)> <(^ ^)> (>^^)>
=redvsblack:iconredvsblack: Jan 17, 2008, 8:56:48 PM
“You’re good at this.”
I am.

heh heh, made me lol

--
No matter what, no matter who, no matter what I do, somebody hates me.
-Reel Big Fish
~yannay:iconyannay: Jan 17, 2008, 9:29:28 PM
really? XD Thanks for the comment! Not sure whether people here get into writing and stuff.

--
yannay is really drowning @ uni and will not be around DA much T______________T who said uni was much more relaxing than school~!?
=redvsblack:iconredvsblack: Jan 17, 2008, 9:36:23 PM
its just that a pictures worth a thousand words right? but yeah im into writing, coming up with intricate and complicated plots and ideas....mainly narritives and scripts, that sort of thing.

--
No matter what, no matter who, no matter what I do, somebody hates me.
-Reel Big Fish
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